I finished doing what I needed to do, excited knowing that when I was done I could go back to bed and wake up my man for some morning delight. I wiped my ass to make sure I got everything (I hate skid marks, especially when i'm wearing a thong) and I almost fell off the toilet. It was black. I looked in the toilet.
OK, picture this. Shit is brown, or some variation of brown. Imagine looking in the toilet bowl and finding black turds. I'm not talking about gray or even charcoal - pitch black. Like the blackest ink EVER.
I thought back to the day before...had I eaten or drunk anything out of the ordinary? No. Resolutely no. I figured the black poop was an anomile. I promptly forgot it, crawled back into bed and on top of my man. One thing I have to say about my man...he is always ready. Black poop and all.
BF and I had a great day meandering about the house and even got in a game of badmitten which resulted in me and my man fucking in the garage. Did you know that the thingy that you volley with is called a "shuttle cock"? How could I not get at least a bit moist playing a game with something called a shuttle cock?
The festivities continued into the night when my man and I decided to take a trip to the adult toy store. We were looking for something specific. Something anal. For me.
Now I know what you might be thinking "why the hell would she want anything up the butt when she was shitting coal?" The answer to that question? Because I am Tango.
We selected a purple, bulbous, vibrating butt plug. I protested at first. The head of the plug was SO wide...it didn't start out narrow and then gradually get wider and wider. No. It started out wide and...um...well...ended wide. This plug held no prisoners. But I decided to go along with my man's fantasy. Why? Because I am Tango.
I am sorry to say that even Tango has limits. I love anal, but the vibrating butt plug was too much for me to take. And I can take a lot. I gave the purple plug the old college try but even though the vibration felt great, I couldn't get past its girth. BF didn't seem to mind; he simply replaced his cock where Mr. Purple had been. Ah...that's better.
The next morning, I stumbled to the bathroom, still half asleep, sat down, did my business and...OMFG. It was back. The black poop. OK, now I was beginning to worry. Again I thought back to what I had eaten and drank the previous day. I rationalized: "well, you know how all colors blended together become black? I bet the same thing happens with human waste. I probably ate a lot of different colored stuff that, when blended together, came out black. Yeah, that's it!"
But I was worried. One more day. On Sunday BF and I saw a matinee, got some groceries, and settled in for the might. I had made it a point throughout the day to eat only clear food: soup broth, soup broth and more soup broth.
But NO! I was still shitting black bricks Monday morning. I went online and discovered that black poop may be sign of internal bleeding. If that was the case, Ask.com advised, I needed to seek immediate medical attention. But besides the dark dump, I felt fine.
But I just couldn't ignore what was going on. What if I died from black dung disease? I called my PCP and made an appointment for later in the afternoon. I would need to leave work early. And on a Monday, the busiest day of the week. What a pain in the ass.
I sat waiting in Dr. Manelli's office, trying not to think the worst of my condition. What the hell was going on?
Dr. Manelli only needed to ask 3 questions: was the shit really black? Had I consumed any acidic food or alcohol over the past 3 days? Had I taken any PEPTO BISMAL?
Ding ding ding...yes, I had. Dr. Manelli told me that Pepto Bismal had this weird side affect of turning feces black. Well...don't you think the makers of Pepto DISMAL should fucking mention this on the label along with all the other side affects mentioned? Shortness of breath, rapid heartbeat, headache, insomnia, and BLACK SHIT???
So dear readers, please please please treat your acid reflux or sour stomach with something that will not turn your poop black. It will be a load off your mind.